Life's disappointments are veiled love's appointments. ~Rev C.A. Fox
My child, I have a message for you today; let me whisper it in your ear. . . this thing is from Me. ~Laura A Barter Snow
"There are some graces which would never have been discovered if it were not for the trials." ~Streams in the Desert
I posted the last quote above on January 6th on facebook. It was a "grab the nearest book and quote the 2nd sentence from x page" things. As soon as I read it, I felt that it would be prophetic, and I think it has proved to be so.
Last week I went to the ER because I was bleeding too much from a miscarriage. I passed out and seized in the ER waiting room. I had two ivs and lots of fluids and a blood transfusion and a manual dnc. This is my second miscarriage in 6 months- the other one was much earlier in the pregnancy.
The hospital stay was hard. I prayed and thought a lot while I lay in that hospital bed. I prayed about how I knew the Lord was with me even though I couldn't feel his presence and even though he wasn't answering my prayers the way I wanted. (One of my #1 verses for comfort is from Hebrews 13:5-6. "Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.")
I wanted to be comfortable. I wanted to sleep. I wanted never to go to the hospital at all. God reminded me that He loves me in ways that I do not love myself. I want the easy road, the comfort, the convenience, the path of least resistance, even though I know from experience that challenges grow me and make me stronger, better, more compassionate, more empathetic, wiser, and draw me closer to Him. God loves me enough to put me through hard things that I would not, or even could not, choose for myself. God wants the best for me. It's a mystery to me how this experience can be what's best, but I rest in the knowledge that He will work to make it so. I chose Streams in the Desert for one of my daily readers this year, and it has so many amazing reminders of God's faithfulness in the midst of trials. Some of them I'm not sure I'm on board with the theological implications if taken to the extreme, but many of them are encouraging nonetheless. I'm including a few of the quotes that have encouraged me over the past week or so.
"The very fact of our trial proves that there is something in us very precious to the Lord else He would not spend so much time and pains on us." February 16th.
February 8th in Streams in the Desert
(the first thing I read when I came home from the hospital)
Lo, I am with you all the appointed days. Mt. 28:20
Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Rather look at them in full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hitherto; do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms. Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.
~Frances De Sales
Every time I read this, I mentally change "He will give you unfailing strength to bear it" to "He will be strong in my weakness".
I don't want to give the impression that I've got all the faith over here and that this isn't hard. I am sad. I am grieving these babies. I'm fearful about what this means our family will be. I'm angry that I was sick for 10 weeks and that we will probably spend as much on a traumatic ER trip as we would have spent to have a baby. I never want to be on an iv again. Ever.
I also feel a little bit of guilt. Not having another baby right now makes everything. . . simpler. Not necessarily better, just easier. I have to remind myself that's a fact, not something that I should feel guilty for feeling or thinking. I did want this baby, and recognizing that having a baby is hard and life changing does not mean that I didn't. Guilt is such a hard thing to deal with. As soon as I knew I was miscarrying, I immediately felt like it was somehow my fault. I had used a sinus spray the night before, and frantically started researching to find out if it was linked to miscarriages. Yikes! that's Satan's work right there, ya'll.
I'm starting to ramble, so I will wrap up. I'm doing well. I'm recovering rapidly. I got blood drawn today and my levels are going the right direction. I'm at peace about losing the baby. I'm trusting that God will fill that hole in His own way. I don't think I need anything- our church family at Midtown has done an awesome job helping with childcare, meals, and flowers. I just wanted to share this with anyone interested because 1. this feels like a big life event that I want my friends to know about (and I selfishly don't want to have to drop it on a conversation when someone asks what's been up with me) 2. I don't want others to suffer through this alone. I am hearing more stories about women who have had similar experiences. I think we need to talk about this. I had no idea what was normal bleeding for a miscarriage because no one has talked about it. I want to talk about it. (by my estimate, I lost between 2 and 4 pints the first day- that's not normal, apparently). 3. I don't want to be asked when we're having more kids or if we are. That's out of our control.
Gratitude List:
I am so thankful for Ben. He encouraged me to call the midwives back when they were taking a long time getting back to me. If he hadn't, I probably would have passed out at home. I am also so thankful that he was by my side- calm and collected the whole time. I remember hearing him repeat my symptoms to the trauma team in the ER when I was too weak and distracted to communicate- I think they asked him because I was keeping my eyes clenched shut! He also stayed with me in the hospital the whole time and helped with a variety of things. When we came home, he continued to be such a servant to the kids and I in so many ways!
Many thanks to Emily Humbert and the other ladies I texted who were willing to drop everything at a moment's notice when I said I needed to go to the ER- also for offering to put in the iv for me at home, lol!
Thanks to Jonathan Nash for spending the night with the kids and for coming over in the middle of the night when we went back to the ER :(.
Thanks to Shanna Kraii, Susie Nash, Matt and Catherine Singleton, Adrienne Pettersson, and the Humberts for all taking turns watching the kids and taking them out of the house so that I could rest. Did I forget anyone?
Thanks to all the people who have brought us food! The Nasheltons, the Wegners, the Kraiis, the Garretts, the Gants, the Jones, the Sundars, Valerie, and the Guileys and a few more to come! It's all been so delicious, and generous, and a big load off my mind!
I am thankful for my parents, especially for my mom who really, really, really wanted to come up and couldn't. They did come for a visit Saturday and brought me a desk and a chicken coop!
I am thankful for Ben's parents and other family members who offered to come and help if we needed it.
And I'm thankful for everyone who has expressed prayers, thoughts, condolences etc.
Finally, I am thankful that this happened. I know that sounds weird, but I want to learn to be thankful in all things, and I have been so blown away by all the support throughout this experience that I am thankful if for that reason alone.
Grace and Peace,
Gloria
