Let's Talk About (Trigger Warning). . . Modesty- gasp!!!

There has been a brief season of my life where I did not ever talk about or think about modesty.
Le sigh. I believe that season is over.

I blame credit my friend J-. J-s a dear friend- a brother in Christ, and he probably has no idea this is his doing.

 Let me esplain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. 

(bonus points if you name that movie). 

So, I ran a triathlon end of August. The rag tag outfit I put together last year has long since disintegrated (I'm not exagerrating!), and I was not finding anything that worked in my poor repertoire of clothing. Many experienced racers recommended swimming in just my sports bra and shorts and throwing a shirt on in transition or getting a triathlon top. I ordered a triathlon top, but it was tight, and I simply do NOT do tight. ick. At this point, I had three days to prep, and I was seriously considering just going the sports bra top route (don't read that, Dad, I didn't do it!) Then I found out J- was bringing the kids to watch the race. And you know what? I couldn't do it. I don't want J- or any man I know- to see me without my shirt on. (except in medical emergencies, and then you just do what you gotta do, folks). Now, I am staying curious about why I was potentially okay with a couple thousand strangers seeing me without a shirt but not someone I knew. I'd like to think that the presence of someone I knew just clarified things for me, but there may be some inconsistency/ hypocrisy in my heart about this (hint: most likely). Also, no judgment from me on whatever you choose to wear for races. Except see through running tights. Those are a hard no from me. Carry on. 

In that moment of split second decision, I realized that I need to talk about modesty, and I probably need to listen about modesty. This is my rant about it, but it's also an invitation for you to tell me what you think. So, if you don't wanna listen, stop reading. This is your decision. I'm not forcing you to read this- that's why this is on my blog and not on facebook- you can just click "x" right now and never have to hear a word about modesty from me. 

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Why all the fuss about trigger warnings on a modesty blog? Well you see, I was homeschooled. I grew up in a conservative household, a small church, and I was homeschooled. Many of my female friends have grown to hate the word and even to reject most, if not all, of what they've been taught. At some point in high school, the word always triggered an exaggerated eye roll and a sigh from me. Often it's associated with shame, with toxic patriarchy, or legalism. Why? Well, I can't tell you all the reasons for each person, but I do want to talk about what modesty is NOT before any attempt at defining. 

#1. Modesty is NOT a female problem. Homeschool administrators got this wrong a LOT. I distinctly remember being at Dauphin Island with CCA. The boys and girls had been separated, and we were getting a somewhat scolding reminder about the dress code. At the end, the door swung open and Jeremy Douthit walks in holding a pillow in front of his groin- with what appeared like no clothes on. Of course, the talk erupted into chaos and everyone enjoyed a good laugh and teasing (pranks abounded on that trip!). But, I was angry. It is actually SO NOT funny that a young man can pretend to be naked in front of a whole group of girls who have just received a mild tongue lashing about not tempting our brothers in Christ. I'm sorry- but who's protecting the eyes and hearts of the young ladies? Now listen, don't worry about Jeremy, I don't think I had a sexual thought until college, but I want everyone to hear this: women lust too. Yes, we're turned on in different ways by different things, but women do struggle with the sin of lust. So again, louder for those in the back: Modesty is a human issue. 

#2. Modesty does NOT equal shame. 

"Cover your body." "Don't dress provocatively." "Don't tempt men." That's what we were told.

 You know what? forget that. 

Try this on for size: 

Your body is raw power and potential. Your body is a weapon, and Your body is NOT something to be ashamed of. .  

Look at any advertisement- what do companies make billions and billions and billions of dollars exploiting each year? The female body. And you know what? That makes me furious. Ladies, own your power. Take it back. Reclaim it. Your body is yours (I believe it is a gift from God). It's a loaded gun of power. That's why I beg you to use it carefully. It's not because you are an evil temptress that has to cover up so you don't lure men into lust- gag me with a Barbie doll leg. It's because your body is SO beautiful and attractive that (some) men cannot resist the God-given allure. It's not that you should be ashamed of your beauty- it's that you should be so proud of it and use it well and wisely. It's a gift for you to bestow upon whom you choose, and I'm begging you- bestow it intentionally. I'm not going to judge you for your choices- I'm just asking that it is a conscious choice! I'm going to get real vulnerable here for a second. Something clicked for me recently in a conversation with my mom about modesty. I always kindof resented all the fuss about pants not being too tight or no midriff showing or no bra strap or whatever the issue of the day was. What's the big deal? Just let me be comfortable! Want to know why?

 I don't think I'm sexually attractive* and I don't think any man is looking at me.*/**

That is a gosh darn lie from hell! It's not that I'm anything special in comparison, but this is not a comparison. God gave me this weird little body, and I can't dismiss it any longer. It doesn't matter what you or I look like- your body is beautiful. So, will you join me in a journey to believe our glory and our beauty? Honestly, it's kindof terrifying. I feel the weight of it even now- just at the beginning of my adventure. Would you come with me? Would you walk with me? 

 *Look, please don't come tell me I am sexually attractive- that would just be weird. 

** I know women look at other women because they comment on clothes, hair, eyebrows, lipstick, weight loss (but not weight gain!), tans, anything.

#3. Modesty is NOT a set of rules. I'm not going to get on here and list out how wide your straps should be or how long your shirts are. Ick and eyeroll. Modesty is about so much more than what you are wearing or not wearing. There's a statue I saw a picture of. It's of a naked slave woman on the auction block. She's quietly and humbly trying to cover her erogenous zones. It's beautiful, and she's modest. Her heart and her intent is to cover herself, and she did the best she could. She's probably about to be sold into a life of sex trafficking, but she is maintaining her dignity and she is one of my role models. 

 #4. At the risk of making someone feel judged, I think I will tentatively offer one guideline: consider covering your erogenous zones. I can't resist a little pseudo vocab lesson here: erogenous is from eros- sexual love and gen- birth, beginning. So erogenous zones are what give birth to sexual love. To spell it out- I'm talking about anything covered by a full coverage bikini. At the risk of anyone feeling judged: I think that should be covered. I personally want a lot more covered (on MY body) but that's between you and your higher power (or your mom, lol). May I add a little sidebar here: sometimes immodestly dressed women tempt me into comparison and self judgment. If you don't care about men, could you, would you think about the ways your clothing might be affecting the women (and girls!) around you? If you have the body of a model, what message are you sending to the little girls and dumpy women and tired moms in your life? Again, please, do not hear me saying that you should cover up or be ashamed of what God has given you and you've worked hard to attain/ maintain. I'm asking you to think about it. If you have an extra beautiful body, please know that it is powerful- for good or for harm- and YOU get to control how you use it. 

Guys: I feel a little awkward addressing you, but your bodies are powerful too. Women, generally, don't tend to be quite as visually stimulated as men, but there are a few things I can share- keep your bathing suit pulled up please. Please don't wear a speedo- there is no world in which I want to see that much of you. And honestly, tight pants are equally distracting and unattractive. Only speaking for myself, if you think your tight pants are attractive, there's a strong chance that I'm finding them mildly nauseating. Just an fyi. Okay, on reflection, for me, immodestly dress men aren't a turn on. It's just not. Sorry guys.  (see Shania Twain: That Don't Impress Me Much, lol)

#5. But modesty is NOT dressing ugly or unattractively. Dress in a becoming way. Dress in ways that make you feel valued and powerful. Or, you can join me and wear what you feel comfortable in (helloooo soccer shorts!).

 I have trusted my dad's wisdom and guidance on this issue for many years. At one point, he shared (vulnerably, so please don't jump on him) that sometimes just seeing a woman dressed in a modest attractive way can be triggering for men. I confess, at that moment, I wanted to throw up my hands and say "well then what the heck is the point of dressing modestly at all!?!?!?!?!, but maybe what he was trying to communicate, and what I'm certainly about to communicate is this: a man's lust is not ever never a woman's fault. That is his sin, and it is his responsibility to listen to God and the Holy Spirit about it. But here's the thing: it would break my heart and upset me to know that I was the object of a man's lust because I was dressed immodestly. And I'm not saying that's never happened, I am absolutely not writing this post because I think I'm modest all the time. I'm 100% sure I'm not (and btw, I'm open to some gentle correction on that Nashville ladies- I've felt a little alone on this issue since moving away from my mom and sisters). Heck, I know a few times where I've been downright immodest because I dropped my bra in the shower changing at the gym, (lol, oh college. . . also, showering at the gym? what a luxury!). But my heart is to be a safe person for the people in my life (men or women) who may struggle with body shame, comparison, low self worth, jealousy, envy, or lust. 

To Review:

1. Modesty is for men and women, boys and girls. 
2. Modesty is a tool for managing and utilizing the power of our bodies. 
3. Modesty is an attitude of the heart. 
4. Modesty is (probably, maybe, please don't hate me) covering your erogenous zones.
5. Modesty is not a requirement to prevent others from sinning. It's a gift you can choose to give.

This is meant to be an invitation, not a judgment. If you feel judged, would you take a moment before contacting me about why you feel that way? And then, please do reach out to me. And would you join me in this conversation and on this journey?